The fall started with the death of a dear friend and ended with my father’s death. Needless to say, I was drowning in sadness. I dissociated from immense grief by burying myself deeper into the TikTok algorithms. I disengaged from the joys of my life like ceramics and exercise. After months of existing, I returned to my life filled with shame for having left it.
But I was welcomed back as I returned to my yoga and ceramics classes. The gracious humans in those spaces offered me a kind of grace. Almost unanimously, they said “you were missed.” They let me know that my absence was noticed and they welcomed me back with open arms. It was a small gift in the unending depth of grief. And so in 2025, I’m offering myself the same grace and welcoming myself back to this space.
In the midst of my personal grief, I recognize the collective grief of watching many of our systems and institutions fail to meet this moment. They’ve been failing for quite some time. But the 2024 election put those failures into sharp relief. Our information systems are so clogged full of disinformation and concerted smear campaigns that it’s difficult to tell fact from fiction in both the mundane celebrity news and the consequential public health. Our crumbling physical infrastructure slowly is poisoning us and our children. Our electoral systems are deeply eroded by a failing education system and intentional efforts to disenfranchise voters.
When Donald Trump ascended to the presidency in 2016, I felt called to fight to uphold these systems. As a technologist, I saw clearly how tech fueled a disinformation system that was leading to a rise in white supremacy and the election of Donald Trump. I moved across the country to work in congress to shape technology policy to combat this misinformation.
There were some wins. And I witnessed many humans working tirelessly to protect our rights. But more frequently, I saw our structures were crumbling. I witnessed Sen Mitch McConnell weaponize August recess to pass a slate of federal lifetime judges. I watched Brett Kavanaugh become a Supreme Court Justice despite credible claims that he had assaulted a woman. I saw firsthand that our institutions were built to uphold the “imperialist white supremacy capitalist patriarchy”. But I still hoped our institutions and norms would survive.
After 8 years of fighting, we’ve returned to the same place we were in 2016, holding our breaths for the upcoming president. The dual disillusionment and the grief overwhelm me. Unlike in 2016, I no longer believe our institutions will survive these attacks. Moreover, I grieve for the people who will not survive the dissolution of our structures. And I am uncertain about what to do next.
“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
Howard Thurman
But a mentor reminded me to focus on doing the right next thing and letting time pass. So I will start by doing what has always served me well. I will look to the thinkers, writers, artists, and poets who have been imagining for decades. And I will write through my grief. Because writing feels like the next right thing.
Acknowledgement
Thank you Rye Castillo for being a brilliant editor and encouraging me to get back to writing